Thursday, October 20, 2011

The Cheesy Perv

My therapist (yes, my therapist) once told me, “Karen, you won’t be a member of any club who would accept you as a member.”  (I swear that man was high during most of my sessions)  But I did eventually understand what he was saying.  He meant that I chase after those who don’t appear to want me, and the minute they express an interest, I’m wondering what is wrong with them for wanting to be with me. 

I know, I know - I exhaust myself.

In an effort to "fix" this, he suggested that the next time someone expressed an interest in me, I needed to “push on through” and see what happens.

Questionable advice from my possibly high therapist; I foresee no issues with this what-so-ever.


Shortly thereafter I received a phone call from one of my best friends, Erica, who hates that I am single:

Erica -  “What are you doing this weekend?”

Karen - “Cleaning my house.”

I wasn’t making excuses.  I really was cleaning my house; a chore I’ve come to realize has taken the place of human touch or intimacy for me.  (my house is really, really clean)

Erica  – “Well, get your stuff done before 6 because we’re going on a double date!”  His name is Steven and he's really cute!  We'll meet at the restaurant at 7.”

I was actually pretty excited about this setup since my dating activity had hit a major drought.  Plus, this friend is smokin’ hot and pretty people hang out with other pretty people, right? 

When I arrived at the restaurant, everyone else was already there as I was running a little late.  I peered around the corner at the table and tried to get a good look at cute Steven before I walked up.  To my delight, he was, as Erica promised, really cute!

After dinner, we went to a nearby club for some live music and dancing.  Our conversation was  eclectic in nature, touching on subjects such as our kids (he had two daughters),"Big 80's Hair", 80's sitcoms and sports.  Most disturbing to me was that Steven wasn't a football fan and had never seen a Superbowl.  (cringe)

The following morning I logged onto my computer and discovered an email from Steven.  When I opened it up, I found a gorgeous picture of a red rose sprinkled in dew drops and a lovely message attached: 

A wonderful night with a beautiful woman.
You're smart, sexy and confident - and you "got" my 80's sitcom references.  
I look forward to seeing you again very soon.

With love,


Let me tell you what happens to me when a guy does something like this for me - I close up shop and you're forever classified in my irreversible (and un-dateable) "cheesy" category.   I know it's a nice gesture and there's nothing inherently wrong with it, but a picture of a rose with dew drops?  Dude, come on!

Just then, Erica called to see what I thought about Steven:

Erica - "Hey, did you like him?  He really liked you!"

Karen - "I did like him.  Is it weird that I'm so bothered by the fact that he's never seen a Superbowl?  And he just sent me a cheesy email."

Erica - "So, you don't want to see him again?"  Because we're going out to the lake today and he asked if you could come along?"

Karen - "I can't, I have my son today - you know I don't let guys I date meet my son."

Erica - "So what?  We're taking the girls - just let Steven know this won't be treated as a date since your son will be there."  

Suddenly, an apparition appeared above me.  It was my therapist's head in an celestial haze (bong smoke, I assume), saying:  "He likes you, Karen.  Stop finding all the reasons why it won't work.  Push on through...see what happens."

Karen – “You know what?  I’d love to!”

When my son, Ryan, and I got to the lake, Erica's family and Steven were loading up the coolers, towels and bags.  I did my best to pretend Steven didn't have two really big strikes against him. (push on through)  I even found the strength to thank him for the "thoughtful" email. (albeit through gritted teeth)  I also reiterated to Steven that we were just hanging out as friends that day since my son was there and he told me he absolutely understood. 

So you can imagine my surprise when, as I was helping Ryan with his life jacket, I felt a cup full of ice being poured down my bathing suit bottoms.  I'm sorry - what the hell just happened here?  First of all, I hardly know you.  Second, you pulled my bathing suit bottoms out and exposed my nether region to not only you, but to everyone on the boat behind me.  Lastly, I'm 100% certain giving me vaginal frostbite is never the answer.

push on through

I looked at Erica and she was mildly mortified.  She came over and offered the suggestion that perhaps he was trying too hard to be fun for Ryan.  Okay, okay...I guess that's possible.  And I continued to push on through.
After removing the ice from my various crevices, it was time for lunch.  I fixed my son a sandwich and some Cheetos.  As is customary when you're under 10 and eating Cheetos, your fingers become an orange, sticky, cheesy mess!  As I looked around for a paper towel or something equally suitable to clean my son's fingers, Steven chimed in:

Steven - "Hey Ryan, why don't you take your cheesy fingers and write your name on your mom's sexy stomach."

ew...Ew.....EW!!!  inappropriate, Inappropriate, IN - A - PPRO - PRI - ATE!!! 

Push on through...I wanted to push him right off that effin' boat! (maybe that's what my therapist meant)


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Once a Sucker...

Some might say I’m a huge sucker.  I prefer to say that I have a huge heart.  The difference?  Perspective.  Well, that, and the fact that having a huge heart makes me a good person, while saying I’m a sucker, makes me a……sucker. 

For instance – I once had a friend who was up all night doing Wild Turkey shots and called me at 4 am because she was out of cigarettes.  Now, I’m not a smoker.  So, at 4 am on a work day, I got up, got dressed, drove to the store, purchased a pack of cigarettes and delivered them to her at her house.  See? Big heart. 

Another glowing example –  In college I had a strong-willed boyfriend who wouldn’t let me break up with him. (yes, just like the Seinfeld episode where George’s girlfriend didn’t accept his breakup)  So instead of making waves and upsetting my bi-polar friend, I stayed with him for four more glorious, strong-willed months.  I say again – BIG HEART!

But I'm here to tell you, people can change.  Although my past might suggest that I was a bit of a doormat, a yes-man, a chump, a I’m a much different person! (unless you don’t want me to be)

As had become customary for me, I woke up and checked my phone for the f(ing)Nonharmonious email that would say, "The one you've been looking for could be right inside this email."  How exciting!  After grabbing my coffee, I headed back to my office and anxiously logged into my account to see who the online dating gods (read random computer picks) had decided I could potentially begin my new life with.  Would it be Mike, Bryce, Alan, Aiden? 

As I read their various profiles, one in particular really resonated with me.  Typically, desperation doesn’t make my “Top 10 Traits I Look for in a Guy.”  But for whatever reason, (sucker) when I read Alan’s profile, I didn’t see it as desperation - but rather a self-deprecating, honest approach as to where he was in life and what he missed about being in a relationship.  (let me show you how beautiful it can be again)   

Where is that therapist’s phone number?

Alan was recently divorced with two children; a 1 year old and a 4 year old.  His profile was painfully honest.  He was previously in a career that kept him from home and family too often, but recently switched vocations to allow him more time with his boys.  The part that really struck me read:

"I'm skeptical of the online dating thing, but with my career and my current situation in life, I don't get out to meet people.  "I guess what it boils down to, is that I'm lonely."

Where, oh where is that therapist's number?

Alan actually sent me the first communication - a stock ice-breaker that said, "Love your smile!"  I never know how to respond to these, because you have to respond with another ice-breaker.  My choices were, "Your profile brought a smile to my face," "Wink," (uh, no) "Just wanted to say hi!" or "I'd love to chat."

I ended up going with "Your profile brought a smile to my face," but then we were just sort of stuck in mutual gratification land.    I love your smile.  Well I love your profile, which brought that smile that you love to my face.  Well that's good because I love your smile...see what I mean?  There was no logical starting point to our next round of communication.  Thank goodness he took the initiative and sent me an email which simply said, "What's your phone number so I can text you?"  Huh.  That was rather anticlimactic, but I responded with my number, anyway.  I didn't hear from him for 6 days.


Alan (text) - Hey, Karen.  When do I get to meet you in person?

Karen (text)  - Well, I don't really know anything about you since we skipped all the steps.  Would you like to talk and see if we're even compatible first?

Alan (text)  -  I won't know until I meet you in person whether there's chemistry or not.  No sense in wasting any time, you free tomorrow night?

Great, another serial texter.  But I could respect the chemistry part as you never know until you actually spend time with someone if there's chemistry or not, so I agreed to meet him the next night.

Alan was much stockier in person than he was in his pictures, but I'm not so shallow that I was willing to end a date over 25 extra lbs.  Additionally, he was the kind of guy I pictured pointing the "finger/thumb gun" my way whilst doing the "chk-chk" sound.  Cheesy? Yes.  Date ender?  No.

Now, his gum chewing?  That was another story.  And this was no normal gum-chewing session. (not that even normal gum-chewing would have been acceptable on a first date)

This particular brand of chewing I can only describe as athletic in nature.  Imagine, if you will, an episode of gum-chewing where the object is to touch your tongue to your earlobe with each mandibular movement.  I mean, the unnatural facial activity this guy had going on would have been impressive had we only been in some sort of unnatural facial activity competition. 

After an hour and a half of conversation, and fighting through the exhausting gum-chewing marathon, our date was coming to a close.  Although I didn't feel any chemistry yet, he ended up being a nice enough guy and I felt that he had a good heart.  So I decided I would give him another shot if he asked me out again. (sucker) 

Karen - "I had a good time tonight."  Thank you."

Alan - "I had a good time, too."  Maybe we could do this again sometime?"

Karen - "I'd like that - you have my number."

And we gave each other a hug goodbye.

I got in the car and made my way home, excited that I had met a sweet guy who I didn't want to immediately kick to the curb.

<text chime>

Awwww - a text from Alan:

Alan (text) - Is it wrong that I want to go to the nearest hotel and get naked with you?


I swear I looked at that text for 5 solid minutes trying to find the "sweet" in it....