Thursday, April 25, 2013

Not Even a Tan Would've Helped

Don't you hate it when you're reading a text or checking Facebook on your phone and just as the back light dims you catch a glimpse of your neck waddle?  That's right, you're looking down, oblivious to the detrimental effect gravity is having on your face and neck, and just when you least expect it, you're staring at an image closely resembling Droopy Dog.



Like this, sans the cute


I'm telling you, I must have supernatural lighting in my bathroom, because most days I feel like I leave the house looking pretty okay.  But then, as I bound to the car with a (fraudulently) youthful spring in my step...I see my reflection in the car window and think, "Who brought the old chick?"

Friends, lately I just haven't been feeling very foxy.

So what do you do when you start to feel all hausfrau-y?  In my experience, you can go in one of two directions. Option I (which happens to be my favorite) is to simply say, "eff it!"  Throw your hands in the air, tell yourself you had a good run and pass the baton to the younger and hotter 30's crowd.  This scorched earth attitude comes with a license to eat carbs in excess and drink to your heart's content.  It also comes with a ponytail holder, a pair of sweat pants and a holey oversized t-shirt.

Option II would be to embrace your age and start a day-forward approach by taking preventative measures and making healthier choices: Staying out of the sun, drinking more water, working out more, wearing SPF, eating better and cutting out alcohol.  This option comes with a looser fitting and more extensive wardrobe, (you know, the stuff in the back of the closet) but does require an additional hour of primp time each morning.  The bonus, however, is that this option comes with a new, sassy attitude and THAT is something I've been missing.

Now I know I said that I preferred the June Shannon Starter Kit option, wherein I get to eat and drink myself into oblivion.  But I actually ended up doing the responsible thing and going with the health-conscious - albeit joy-deprived - route.  I began applying SPF each and every day, I started drinking more water, I incorporated the Insanity program to my workout regimen and I made better food choices.

I know, I know, I know!  So I didn't cut out the alcohol.  Unless you count the time I used scissors to get the beer out of the case box...

After a week, I started to feel better.  And when you feel better, you look at yourself differently.  So there I was - feelin' a little foxier than the week before, and just in time to attend a friend's birthday celebration.

Because I'm the procrastinator's procrastinator, I decided to get my friend's gift on my way to her birthday dinner.  This particular friend loves her some vodka, which makes gift-giving a cinch and it just so happens there was a liquor store on the way to this birthday shindig.  I pulled up to the liquor store, gave myself one last look in the mirror and entered the store feeling confident.

I scarcely got past the lime display before a smokin' hot guy working the Jack Daniel's Tennessee Honey sample table caught my attentionNow I don't do whiskey, but I would've for this guy.  He was cute with a capital H.O.T.  Sadly, as I got closer and did some quick figuring in my head, I determined that he could've been my son had I started in my 20's.

What's this?  Hotty McHot-Hot doesn't seem to care that I'm the December to his May?

Mr. McHot-Hot stared at me as I made my way to the vodka aisle - and I mean stared.  Hey, the heart wants what the heart wants, people.  I might be 43, but I clearly still got it goin' on...  After selecting a bottle of vodka and a gift bag with HAPPY BIRTHDAY plastered on every side, I proceeded to the checkout closest to my whiskey-peddling admirer.

Here was our exchange: 

Hotty McHot-Hot: (Motioning to the birthday gift bag with a chuckle) "Hey, it's my birthday tomorrow." 

Oh, Hotty McHot-Hot, you're embarrassing yourself.  So young, so naive...don't be so obvious.

Me - (in my coolest tone)  Well, then I'll have to come up here tomorrow and get you a bottle of vodka, too.

And with that award-winning line I sauntered out of the store with a confidence no amount of water, exercise or SPF could ever give me.  My foxy was back!  I felt good.

As I bound to my car with a youthful spring back in my step, I caught of glimpse of myself in the reflection of my car window and discovered why Hotty McHot-Hot couldn't take his eyes off of me.  But this time I wasn't so focused on the wrinkles.  No, no.  That day, my wrinkles were taking a backseat to the 3 middle shirt buttons that had come undone, proudly displaying portions of my bra, my boobs and my stomach in all their 43-year-old glory.

Those unbottoned buttons did no one any favors that day.

Hell, it's not even like my bra was clean.


29 comments:

  1. Haha!!! that is the best! I hate the freaking neck waddle skin crap!! Right now I can see some of my refelction on the computer screen, it's kind of hard to type with your chin in the air. Thanks for the laugh. And, I'm right there w/ ya!!
    xoxo
    -Ellen

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    1. The neck waddle is the worst! And I always see it when i'm least prepared for it. I want to get a less reflective screen cover for my phone and my computer! (and all windows and mirrors)

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  2. Stop putting yourself down. He obviously liked what he saw enough to do some light flirting with you. You're still hot, so just accept it.

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    1. Stephen, you're always so kind! Thank you!

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  3. I realize I've seen only a few pictures of you, but I'm pretty sure you are, in fact, "foxy". Nevertheless, this story made me laugh! Because you just don't seem like the "Imma unbutton all my buttons and go out in public" type of girl he took you for. Ha!

    P.S. Crossfit is making me fat. I swear it.

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    1. And the middle 3 buttons, at that! I was seriously mortified and, needless to say, didn't feel foxy for the rest of the night.

      Insanity didn't change my body AT. ALL! All of that work for nothing. Are you kidding me? Now, I doubt Crossfit is making you fat, but I'd believe you if you told me you haven't lost any weight yet. Logic suggests, you remain on that couch!

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  4. Hahaha! Died. Laughing.

    Shush your face. You're SO foxy! If I look HALF as good as you at 43, I will be happy!

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    1. You've got that gorgeous skin - you are in no danger of losing that in the next 20+ years! Thank you for your sweet compliment. xo

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  5. I didn't think I looked half bad for 52 UNTIL I got an iphone and used the camera to take selfies. I look HORRID on there. Worst. Camera. Ever. Or is it Most HONEST Camera Ever? Dear GAWD, I hope not!

    And the neck thing? I'm planning to wear a scarf all summer, heat be damned.

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    1. Oh, I know! Surely this fandangled smart phone phase is on its way out for this very reason. Otherwise, I probably ought to stock up on some scarves myself. :)

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  6. Seriously laughing my butt off over here.

    "Hey, the heart wants what the heart wants, people." <-----Love it!

    I just had a similar thought just yesterday. I was asking myself, now that I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be that smoke'n hot blonde that gets tired of the guys staring... (It's important to note that the attention would always make me nervous whereby I would inevitably mis-step and trip, or something equally as stupid.)...what kind of woman do I want to be now? A) The kind that's given up hope B) The kind that makes the best of it and puts the Bow! in Bow-chicka-wow-wow! or C) The kind that hangs with the young-ins, as their booze supplier, and wears zebra stripes and poofs her hair.

    I have not a doubt that you're a "B", even without flaunting your goods all over town. As for me, I think I'm I'm chugging toward the transition from "A" to "B". I think if I could figure out why, at 38, I STILL get pimples??? The rest would be a snap!

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    1. Ha! I do NOT put the BOW in Bow-chicka-wow-wow - but I love the compliment! And any attention makes me nervous, too. This story was case-in-point; typically I'm second-guessing why someone would be staring at me. And just when I think it's because I've got it goin' on, it's because I'm a ridiculous side show walking through the liquor store with my bottle of vodka. Thank God I had that Happy Birthday bag - otherwise, it would just be a very sad tale.

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  7. Oh dear GAWD this is funny has hell. I can totally relate to the neck thing---I slather myself with various creams at night ( I sell Avon for Godssake!) and those damn neck creases are still there. I was all about learning how to Skype with my friends until I caught a glimpse of how I would look on their end of the screen--oh HELL no! I used to love being referred to as a MILF but now I fear I am only known as a DILF (dinosaur I'd like to...). I'm doing the balance thing here between your suggestions---eat right, exercise, take care of the skin...but there is NO WAY this gal is giving up her weekend libations. Treadmills be damned.

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    1. Don't even get me started on Skype! I spend more time trying to adjust myself so I look halfway presentable, than I do actually talking to the other person. I'm sure it comes off as horribly narcissistic, but I view it as more of a public service. And no ma'am to surrendering the weekend libations - bring on the back fat!

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  8. Is it too soon to tell you I love you? Because pretty sure I do.

    I identify with more portions of this post than I care to. My neck makes me wanna wear a scarf in July. Lately I catch myself doing exactly what my mom used to do in the mirror before she just gave it up...pulling back my skin so I can say hi to my early 30's self. But sadly, it looks more like old Burt Reynolds. Too tight. Not believable.

    Praise GOD my McHot-Hot 29 yr old husband doesn't seem to notice. He acts as though I just fell off a Victoria's Secret runway. And I freaking EAT IT UP.

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    1. And you SHOULD! My McHot-Hot is 9 years my junior and he thinks I just fell off of a Sears catalog page (but, you know, from the intimates section).

      I do the skin-pull trick, too. I'm saddened at how much better I look when I pull. **shakes fist in air**

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  9. Good Lawd! This is why I love you.

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    1. Good LAWD, I'm honored you visited my page!

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  10. Hilarious. HouseTalkN pimped you on FB, so I had to check out your blog. So glad she did!

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    1. HouseTalkN is hysterical and I'm honored her pimpin' brought you my way! Thank you!

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  11. So did you go the next day to help him celebrate his Birthday?? Hey the Forties are a very sexy age! Being in my late 60's, I remember how hot I was in my Forties!

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    1. Ha! I did not go - I assume he was just kidding, anyway. Regardless, I do have my very own Hotty at home :) And I am going to remember that 40 is a sexy age! Sometimes I forget that. Thanks so much for reading, Rena!

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  12. too funny; love the humor and raw honesty. At newly 48 (yikes), I know what you are talking about. Keep it up; love reading!!!

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    1. Thank you so much! I have found that I have way too many reflective surfaces in my life. I might want to do something about that since I feel MUCH younger (and act much younger) than I look. Thank you for stopping by!

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  13. I am rolling--this was hysterical. And sadly, too, too true. And the part about cutting the beer out with the scissors? Make no mistake--you are bringing it, lady--boobs, funny, ALL of it!

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    1. Meredith, thank you! It is so flattering to have you stop by my little blog. Again, many thanks for your very kind words!

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  14. Swing by my site--got a new award for you! Congrats!

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    1. Well, I see it here, but I didn't get an email alerting me to a new comment?? Thank you, Marcia!!

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  15. LMAO This is great!
    I have a trophy for you. http://mommysgoingcrazy1.blogspot.com/

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