Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Can I Get Luke's Number?

I'm beginning to think that my “man” wish list is either in the need of a major revision, or incineration.  I mean, the idea of the list is to keep the things I want in a man top-of-mind – like "good man” marketing.

Originally I created the list when my best friend and I were sitting around my kitchen table crying into our beers over our failed relationships.  One of us read in a book…or a horoscope…or heard of a friend of a Kardashian who made a list and she's now engaged to the guy who matched her list - at any rate, we made the lists because someone or something told us it was a good idea.

Finalizing my list wasn’t as easy as one would think.  I thought I knew exactly what I wanted in a guy; a grown up.  But when I found someone who possessed the traits I listed, my eyes would glaze over as they would inevitably highbrow me to death discussing their Growth Stock Mutual Funds or how they heard the most fascinating anecdote on NPR. (I mean, financial security and staying abreast of important worldly matters?  And he calls himself a man...)  Okay, I get it...but it bores me! 

On the other hand, give me a guy with an electronic ankle bracelet, extensive knowledge of Ren and Stimpy, and an expired bus pass and before you know it, I'm extolling the greatness of his Granny's "Weenie and Cheez Whiz Casserole" at his family's Thanksgivin' dinner.

Lesson - just because a guy is a perfect match with my list, doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll be attracted to him.  That chemistry is a slippery sucker, isn’t it?  And as we’re about to learn, virtual chemistry is vastly different than actual chemistry. 

Enter Brent.  

Brent’s profile was interesting, humorous and well-written.  And, he was almost a perfect match with my list! He seemed to be the perfect blend of grown-up with the right amount of fun mixed in.  His pictures showed him playing soccer and flag football. (one displayed a cute mole on his right cheek that I found absolutely irresistible)  He was a corporate attorney and a divorced father of 3.

Given the new dating process when you're post divorce with kids in tow, we resorted to phone chats, texting and emailing.  As we spoke on the phone I remember thinking his voice didn't seem to match his pictures.  He was more soft-spoken than I anticipated, but that didn't matter.  He was a great distraction from my previous Suaves and my mind was doing a bang-up job of rounding out this virtual love affair I had going.

We finally found a Sunday when both of us were free, so we decided on a date at the Arboretum followed by lunch.  Since he lived closer to the Arboretum than I, I met him at his house.  When I arrived, my heartbeat was audible, my palms were sweaty and I felt nauseas. 

<knock, knock, knock>

It seemed an eternity before Brent opened the door.  I couldn’t wait to meet the cute flag football playing dad!  As the door opened, my face went from a cheek-cramping smile to what I would guess was a look of what the - (I know…way to rock the first impression)  Standing before me was a guy who sort of looked like Brent.  I mean, it was him...just different.  Realizing I was standing and staring like an idiot, I reached out to give him a hug and expressed my delight in finally meeting him face-to-face.

Throughout our time at the Arboretum and lunch I'm sure he thought I was mildly certifiable, because I kept staring at him in an attempt to find the "virtual Brent" I so looked forward to meeting.  Unfortunately, I didn't feel the spark with real life Brent. 

How can I explain it...he was almost...preacher-like.  By that, I mean his mannerisms were slow and deliberative.  And he kept smiling at me with a goofy grin, cocking his head to one side and giving a slow, knowing nod.  I kept waiting for him to reach down slowly and place his hands on mine, look deep into my eyes and say, "Bless you my child."  

After 2 full hours of staring at Brent, (and not in a good way) something dawned on me; where was that cute mole on his cheek?  You know, the one from the picture that I loved so much? 

Karen – “Hey, you have a mole on your cheek in your flag football picture.  Did you have it removed?  I kinda liked it.”

Brent – “Oh, yeah.  Well, the thing is, I have a twin brother, Luke.  I couldn’t find any good pictures of myself, so I just used some of his - he's the one with the mole.”

Sidebar – Uh, you're no Luke, pal!  You may resemble him, but you aren't him.  People sometimes tell me I look like Jennifer Aniston, but I don’t go posting her pictures on my profile or listing “Friends” on my resume. 

At this point, the date couldn't end soon enough.  I felt like I'd been cheated and I was borderline pissed off.

Once we got back to his house, I knew the drill.  I did everything I could to avoid close proximity or any movement that might suggest I was interested enough for a goodbye kiss. (or even hug at this point)  But, alas, my attempts were ineffective. (damn my hotness!)  When I turned from unlocking my car door, he was standing so close I could see his nostril hairs fluttering with each exhale.   

And then he asked the question I would have gladly traded 4 years of my life not to hear...

Brent - (smiling at me like a creepy creeperson) "May I kiss you?"

Karen (heaven forbid I just say no) "Sure."

Oh dear... make it stop, make it stop, make it stop...he moved in too fast, clearly had some sort of overactive salivary gland condition and he grossly misjudged my attempts to break free from his grasp as some sort of defective return of passion. 

Brent - “That was nice.” “I really felt something.”

blech....who says that?

I'm pretty sure what he felt was my gag reflex.



  1. girlfriend, this is hilarious. You must come join us over on datingmommies.blogspot.com We're all in your same boat and we are banding together. FUN!! backchannel me at lanaesw@mac.com xxoo