Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Okay, So You DON'T Wanna Date Me...?

Being a parent is the most important thing in my life.  If I exceed at nothing else, I know that I've excelled at being an exceptional mom.  So, naturally, it stands to reason that if I'm looking for someone to be my "someone", they should probably like kids. many friggin’ rules, so much criteria, so much some point, kids, you just have to let go, relax the standards and be open to the opportunities that present themselves.  Kind of like letting Dating Jesus take the wheel.  

You know, they say if you listen closely, the universe will speak to you...

I’ve lived in my house for 8 years and still know very few of my neighbors.  By very few, I mean one; my next door neighbor Philip.  I’m not sure why that is, but I like to attribute it to the decline of America’s sense of community in lieu of questioning my own anti-social behaviors.  Because, yeah, that's better.  At any rate, I had recently come to the conclusion that I was 18 cats and a shower cap away from being labeled a recluse, so I attempted to make myself more available to my neighbors.

To do this I began hanging out in the front yard more often, saying hello to those who walked by and I ran with my head up for a change.  One day as I was about to go for a run, my neighbor, Philip, was outside working on his lawn.  

Sidebar - Philip was the first (and only) neighbor I met when I moved into the house 8 years ago. He wasn't a neighbor I really knew a lot about, we just said hello when we'd see each other either going to or coming home from work. 

With my new neighborly attitude firmly in place, I decided to strike up a conversation by asking an embarrassingly obvious question.

Karen - "So, doing a little yard work, huh?" (man, I'm like catnip for men. I guess that would be man-nip...but that just suggests he's cold, so...)

Philip - "Yeah, I got a letter from the HOA asking me to replace my shrubs or face a fine.  I'd like to find the person who wrote the letter and have a little chat with him."

As I stood there talking to Philip, I found myself thinking, He's kinda cute.  He's slightly taller than I am, he's successful, he owns his own home and he's clearly attracted to me. (two words - Cat. Nip.)  Has my prince charming been living next door to me all this time and I didn't even realize it?  

Is that you, Universe?  It's me, Karen.  And I hear you loud and clear!

What’s that one saying?  *snap* *snap* know the one....  Oh yes, Don’t dip your pen in the company ink, Don’t fish off the company pier, Don’t sh*t where you eat, Don’t get your nookie where you get your cookies, Don't do your next door neighbor. (don't look at me that way, it's a saying...)  

You know, there's a reason there are a million (or 4) ways to warn against getting involved with those in close proximity; 'cuz it's stoo-pid.  Every fiber of my being was screaming, DON'T EVEN CONSIDER THIS!  I BEG OF YOU!!

But did I listen?  This is post #13 - I think you people know me well enough to know by now.  That's right, I took off on my run and fantasized about my new life with Philip.  How easy it would be to date my neighbor.  He has his space, I have mine, he's seen me go out for my paper in the morning, so there'll be no surprises there, he knows I have a son (again, no surprises), I know he cycles so we have the "fit" thing in common, he likes beer, I like beer, he grills out, I eat grilled food.  I could go on and on...  This was gonna be perfect! 

When I got back from my run, my husband-to-be was still outside working on his shrubs. 

Philip - "So, you dating anyone?"

(like shooting fish in a barrel)

Mrs. Philip -  "I'm not.  I was doing the online thing for a while and had so many catastrophic experiences I actually just started a blog about it."
Philip - "I'd like to write a blog, too!"

Of course you would, because when you like someone, you want to show you have similar interests.

Mrs. Philip - (feigning utter surprise) "Really? How interesting!  What would you write about?"

Ah, the timeless dance of a blossoming new love... 

Philip - "It would be about the fact that I don't have children and I don't want children,  so why the hell do I have to pay higher property taxes based on the school district I'm in?  And why do my taxes help schools if I don't have kids? And why do I have to drive 20 mph in a school zone? And why can't I talk on the phone or text in a school zone?  Why do you get a tax break just because you have a kid?"


I saw that going so differently in my head... 



  1. DAMN! That was NOT how I imagined that my hopeless romantic head. Oh well, at least you know. Jackass...he was probably just pissed about those bloody bushes. Onto the next Karen!!

  2. Oh how quickly the fantasies fade... great post though!

  3. @ Courtney - clearly I had envisioned a beautiful spring wedding...

    @Natalia - that one faded at lightening speed! Thank you!

  4. Do you have a dog? If so, I'd totally let it poop in Philip's yard. And should I take your lack of recent posts as a sign? Have you met someone who isn't crazy or pervy or rude and is wonderfully normal? If so, you're gonna have to think up another topic to blog about, because I miss your wit. Suddenly "wit" sounds so inappropriate. Hmm. Anyhoo, miss your online buhdass writing skillz. Nite nite.

  5. I have two dogs OkieMama! And I think that's a fabulous idea! And thank you for reading my posts and pumping my writing ego! xoxo!

  6. Hahaha, OH MY! Well damn. How awkward! And really crazy that he'd say that KNOWING you have a kid?! Ass.