Thursday, March 28, 2013

I Know Me - And I Wouldn'tve Listened Anyway...

Dear 16 year old me:

Hey youngin’!  What’re you up to?  Let me guess – you’ve got a little Duran Duran blaring on the ghetto blaster and you’re dancing in front of your mirror in white high-top Reeboks, leg warmers and frosted pink lipstick, right?  Yeah, not to alarm you, but you’ll still be doing that in 2013.  You see, I'm writing to you from the future.  I'm you, only 27 years older.  And, no, I'm not living in a retirement community.  (note to self, you might want to start thinking of 43 as young...it'll serve you well in the years to come - maybe) 

Look, I have no idea if this is actually going to get to you or not, but if there’s even the slightest chance that it might, please read what I have to say.  Don’t just read it, read it.  Heed my words of advice.  I really do speak from experience and you know I have your best interest at heart.  After all, I’m you.
  1. Stop wearing frosted blue eye shadow.  No, not even then.  Just stop.
  2. In a few days, you’ll learn to make funnel cakes in Home-Ec.  When you attempt to make them at home that evening, read and then re-read Rule #1 – otherwise you will set the house a’blaze and be sentenced to hear about it at every Thanksgiving and Christmas until you’re at least 43. 
  3. Tell mom no more home perms!  The white-girl-fro is not your friend.
  4. Your parents are not only hilarious and fun, they’re GREAT parents.  Appreciate them more.
  5. For the love of all that’s holy, take a tweezer to those brows.
  6. I know you think you’re fat right now.  That makes me want to punch you.
  7. Everyone in high school is just as insecure as you are.  Just like you, they’re all just trying to find their way.  Be kind; to others and yourself.
  8. You will desperately attempt to become Kelly McGillis after seeing the movie Top Gun.  Save the ink on that deal with the devil - she doesn’t age well.
  9. I can’t tell you how rich we’d be today if you’d just save all the money you're going to spend on Dippity-do.  Seriously, a little goes a long way – tap the brakes, sister.
  10. These really are some of the best years of your life.  Stop trying to grow up quite so fast.
  11. Stop - just stop wasting your time praying for boobs.  They’re never going to come in.  Ever. 
  12. Mom’s job right now is to watch you walk straight into the line of fire while attempting to steer you out of harm’s way.  This is the hardest job in the world as a mother, in that what’s best for you ultimately makes you push away from her.  The love she has for you almost suffocates her.  You will understand this one day.  Go easy on her.
  13. In about two months, you'll be getting ready for your first date with the quarterback of the varsity football team.  You've got a choice to make here - either wear a panty liner or don't wear the yellow pants.  (my God, if you hear nothing else, hear this one!)

Well, that’s it – that’s all I got.  I’m sure you’re wondering why I didn’t tell you to avoid "that guy," give you the answers to Mr. Overeem's English final, or give you the Lottery numbers for some huge jackpot drawing.  Oh, that’s right.  You don’t even know what the Lottery is yet.  Regardless, I wouldn’t give you that kind of information.  There are lessons you need to learn.  I don’t want to alter your path in life for fear that I might end up someplace other than right where I am.

Your (our) life is full of all of the beautiful things that make a life complete: Love, heartache, life, death, success, failure (lots of failure), embarrassment, laughter, frustration, peace, anxiety, calm… We're one of the lucky ones.

*********************** 

Pssst - Invest in “Orange” (think fruit, not color) when you get your first job.

Eh, don’t worry, I wasn't bright enough to pick up on the not-so subtleties of even that hint at the age of 16.  Ya can't blame me for trying.


Wanna join in the Theme Thursday mayhem or read some more Letters to 16 Year Old Selves?  Head on over to Something Clever 2.0 and check it out.  Just click the picture below.

 




 

22 comments:

  1. I love this. Made me laugh and if only we could go back and give ourselves a advice. :)

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    1. I know - I'm secretly hoping that this letter does reach the 16 year old me. Thanks for stopping by!

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  2. I remember #2 (well, and #1 although I was right there with ya)and vaguely recall something about #13. Ahhhhh , the pain and embarrassment of teenager-dom. I wouldn't change any of the incidents but MAN would I change how I related/reacted to them. Your posts always make me smile but this one certainly was a vivid walk down memory lane. :)

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    1. Awww...memory lane. It was a fun time, wasn't it? Bad hair notwithstanding...

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  3. Can you write one to me explaining that you can't eat like a football player after you stop playing football? Because that's something sixteen-year-old Lance needs to hear. Well, eighteen, maybe.

    Great post. "Save the ink on that deal with the devil." lmao.

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    1. I will write one to the 16 or 18 year old you right after I make an amendment to mine with the modified "track runner 18 year old metabolism" spiel - just let me know where to leave yours so you'll find it.

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  4. Replies
    1. #13 - it was my first date with the senior varsity QB and I wore yellow pants. We stopped by the house so I could meet his mother, as we were leaving, his mother pulled me to the side and said, "Dear, I believe you started your period." It was AWFUL!

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    2. Oh, dear Lord, it couldn't get any worse than that!

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  5. 1. I have a close-up picture of my face when I was 15 or 16 and all I can think is..."Why do I have two ferrets growing on my forehead?" Seriously - why was facial hair grooming not more important back then?!?

    2. Poor Kelly McGillis. I mean, really - what happened there?

    3. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE #12.

    4. The curiosity on #13 is killing me.

    5. Why don't I get the "orange" reference? It IS midnight, but I feel like I should pick up on this.

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    1. I'm not sure why it took 3 decades to start a facial hair removement movement! Seems like a no-brainer to me. But I have pictures to prove otherwise, too. #13 - it was my first date with the senior varsity QB and I wore yellow pants. We stopped by the house so I could meet his mother, as we were leaving, his mother pulled me to the side and said, "Dear, I believe you started your period." Eat. A. Bullet. I still haven't recovered.

      Orange (think fruit, not color) - Apple. I wanted myself to invest in Apple. But alas, I'm not rich, so clearly my clue was too obscure. :(

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  6. Hahaha, I love that half of these are beauty-related.

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    1. They need to be, Jenn. Children of the 80's are haunted more than any other decade.

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  7. I just laughed so hard that I started my period. This was phenomenal. I love it!

    This is the first time I've been here (I think. Maybe? I'm pretty sure. I spend too much time on the internet.), but I will DEFINITELY be back! You had me at your tagline...
    Thanks for linking up!

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    1. "I just laughed so hard I started my period." How can I express sufficient love for this comment? God love ya! I'm so glad you stopped by. My son has been sick, so I've been out of the blog loop for the past few days. You crack me up - thanks for the laugh.

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  8. Oh Karen, you make me laugh. You had me at Duran Duran. Well, technically you had me before that but you hit a nerve with that one. I used to have a Duran Duran fan club. I was the "manager", if you will, in sixth grade. I made everyone who signed up fill out their membership information on an old trucker log with carbon copies, from my grandpa's trucker days. It was legit I tell ya - for like two weeks.

    Anyway, I loved this. Too funny.

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    1. I missed this one! Two weeks of legitimate anything in the 6th grade is equivalent to a 25 year career. OUTstanding! xo

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  9. Oh.My.God. You had me at "No more home perms." Too funny. Also, loved, loved, loved #6 (Right? I wanna kill myself right now for thinking that then) and #9 Dippity-do! Loved the tender parts too. Well done. One thing though. You look nothing like your Twitter profile picture.

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    1. My mom loved her some home perms. You don't think I look like my twitter profile picture? Have we met?

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  10. This is so funny I read it twice. Seriously. I wanted to pick my favorite but I just can't choose. Loved it.

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  11. Karen! Thanks for stopping by and for your kind words. I need to get on writing, huh? This one's two weeks old. If there's any room in the upcoming weeks I would love to be a part of your super secret topic swap? Those were all so much fun to read!

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  12. What an awesome post! Oh I so remember the Duran Duran, Reeboks, and of course the frosted blue eye shadow! LMAO! Guilty as charged!

    A Beautiful Mama Award for a beautiful mama!
    http://thismommasramblings.blogspot.com/2013/04/beautifulsuch-wonderful-word.html

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