Think I Could Get An Endorsement Deal?

Kids, nothing good happens after midnight.  In fact, most of the stupidest decisions I’ve made in life happened between 1 and 3 am.  One such decision was the purchase of a little workout program called Insanity from a 2am infomercial.  Today is Day 45 of this ridiculous death sentence.  Forty five days of hearing Shaun T yell at me to “Dig deeper!”  Forty five days of screaming “JEZEBEL” and “HOOKER” at the hard-bodied females performing effortless full body drills on the screen in front of me. (Hey, you do what motivates you, I’ll do what motivates me.)  I’m also fairly certain one girl in the back has a kickin’ case of sour cream and chive breath, but I don’t yell at her. 

 

Last we spoke about Insanity, I was on Day 5.  Ah, Day 5.  I was so innocent and naive back then.  Remember?  The DVD’s were unscratched, Shaun T’s jokes were still funny and I was ready to take on the Insanity world one globe-jump at a time.  But about the time Day 12 rolled around, I was pretty bored with the monotony of the program and finding the time was becoming a challenge.  Mornings are out because I have to walk the dogs.  Nights are busy with dinner, homework, drums and soccer practice, so unless I do it right when I walk the door at night, I run out of time.  And let me tell you, the last thing I want to do when I get home from work is hammer out 40 minutes of scream-inducing calisthenics in my bedroom. 

 

uncomfortable silence...
  

Let alone the fact that I’ve actually GAINED 2 pounds since I started this program.  Do you know how hard it is to lose 2 pounds?  Hell, do you know how hard it is to GAIN 2 pounds when you're doing 40 minutes of high interval training each night?  And some of you - my sweet, sweet friends -  are actually kind enough to offer, “It’s muscle weight.”  God love ya…  No it’s not.

But you know what?  I kept lacing up my shoes.  I kept pressing play.  I “X”’d off each day and I clawed my way through the completion of Month 1!!  I felt like a bad ass, proud, accomplished - chest thumpy, even.  The accomplishment of completing Month 1 renewed my motivation.  Plus, I got to start a rotation of 3 new workout DVD's with Month 2.   I was back, I was stronger than ever, I felt great, I. was. ready.

 

BRING ON MONTH 2!

**innocently presses play on the DVD player**

putMonth2back, PutMonth2Back, PUTMONTH2BACK! 

**************************

How the hell the people at Beach Body thought Month 2 was a logical successor to Month 1 is beyond me.  The differences in the physical exertion between the two is so...how can I put this so that you'll understand?

How about this: 

 

Month 1 is like a stroll through a flowery meadow on a warm spring day with the sun shining warmly upon your face. 

 

Month 2 is like an anaconda wrapped around a chupacabra dipped in gasoline and lit on fire death.  Month 2 is death.

**************************

In case you're wondering, I'm still doing the program - but I'm not at all happy about it.

Check Your "Cool" at the Door

Day 5 of Insanity.  I liken it to a prison sentence.  Is it better to say Day 5, or should I go with 55 Days-To-Go.  Ewww - Day 5, definitely Day 5.  I have to be honest, after the first night's Fit Test, I wasn't sure I would make it to Day 2.  And after Day 3 - well, let's just put it this way - the typing that I'm doing at this moment, isn't without considerable pain.  So, yeah - Day 5, bitches - like a boss!

Sidebar - It's no secret that I'm doing this whole thing for a t-shirt I could make myself.  So look what I found online the other day.  Do you see what I see?  Does that say, LIMITED EDITION???  Do you have any idea how pissed I'll be if I get through this and I don't even have the shirt to show for it?  It'll be just like that time I voted and they ran out of "I voted" stickers.  I mean, what's the point?  Why does the universe hate me so?  

Since I began this journey, I've received lots of advice.  The most common being, "You have to do this with your significant other." I thought, how fun!  But, because Jesus loves me and protects me from things I think I want, my boyfriend was busy the first night and couldn't join me.  If I could've stepped outside myself to observe my Fit Test, I believe I would liken it to something resembling geriatric interpretive dance.  Any and all "cool" is off the table with this program. When did I become this uncoordinated?  I couldn't even figure out which arm should go forward and which should go back while running in place.  People, I'm a run-ner, it's what I do.

But aside from the whole lack-of-coordination thing, I legitimately fear every workout.  One of their phrases is, You have to hit "play" every day.  Every time I go to hit play on the Blue Ray, it's like playing Russian Roulette.  I have no idea what to expect - but I fear the worst.  And my fears are almost always realized.

Insanity reduces your life to 30 second segments.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, will heighten your awareness of Einstein's Theory of Relativity, the way Insanity does.   When Shaun T says, "30 more seconds of power jumps," I'm like, "You have GOT to be effin' kidding me!"  And when Shaun T says, "Okay, water break, you've got 30 seconds,"  I'm like, "You have GOT to be effin' kidding me!"

There is just so much sweating, grunting, groaning, cussing, screaming and weeping taking place - and that's just the warm-up.  Anyone reading this who has done Insanity, knows how very true this is.  The dude is certifiable - but I believe in him.  And I'm starting to believe in me. 

I live to put an "X" on the calendar and chip away at my Insanity "sentence."  Today's workout is a little something called Pure Cardio - or as I like to call it, Puke Cardio.

Here's to one more "X"!

"Panic" Was Spot-On

Remember how I was talking about Pinterest getting the best of me – suggesting that my life needed a facelift of sorts? Remember the other post about not having any self-control, which is why I have 3 dogs instead of, well, none?  Remember the other post where I jumped up and down naked, awestruck by my fat’s blatant disregard for solidity?

Life facelift, no self-control, fat that’s taken on a life of its own = drastic measures.  Drastic Measures = Insanity.  Yes, that one.   P90X’s answer to, “Let’s see if we can actually kill some people.”  In a weak moment in the nocturnal suspension of reality (read, watching infomercials at 2am), I succumbed to the hype.

The ripped, unpaid spokesperson was staring deep into my insomnia-laden eyes, promising me the body from my 20’s if I'd just do the work.  Sixty days - a year’s worth of results in just 60 days.  That doesn't look so hard, I thought to myself as I lie all sloth-like on the couch.  The only muscles I used during the hour and a half infomercial were those that aided in scraping the bottom of my Ben and Jerry’s container.  But yeah, I'm all over this. 

The real kicker, though?  The part that got me to hop online and order the program?  The t-shirt.  That’s right – a t-shirt with the word, “Insanity” chiseled across the front.  You see, you can’t just go buy this shirt.  You have to earn it by completing the program.  Lesson #1 - Don’t threaten me with a challenge.  I will cut off my nose to spite my face and pay you a handsome sum to prove you wrong.

The next morning, however, I immediately regreted my decision.  Buyer's remorse?  Or panic – it felt more like panic. 

Panic because the Insanity workout is aptly named and I'm known around these parts for biting off a smidge more than I can chew (3 dogs, anyone?).  But also panic because of this highly coveted t-shirt.  This $149.00 t-shirt.  To earn the shirt, you have to take before and after pictures and send them in to the Insanity people.  I guess then they determine whether or not you actually did the program based on your results, and then send you a shirt if you look good enough.  Before pictures?  Someone has to see my "before"?  My boyfriend has to see my "before"?

People, I do my best to protect my younger boyfriend from things he just shouldn't see; dim lighting, lots of covers and swift movements to make me blurry - all in my bag of tricks.  But in order to have before pictures, you have to show the "before."  The un-pretty, un-taut, un-sucked in, unbelievably gross parts - just hanging there, being all before-like. 

While I've blocked most of the traumatizing photo-shoot from my memory, I do remember apologizing - a lot.  I'm considering a small offering of gratitude.....like a car.

*********************************
 

Well, the box finally arrived Monday and there was nothing left to do but the doin’!  I hung the Insanity progress poster on my bedroom wall, grabbed a large bottle of water, gave myself one last pep-talk, and popped in the DVD. 

I was exactly 11 seconds of high knees in when I checked the screen timer to see when this fresh hell would be over…my breathing was erratic, my heart monitor was smoking and shooting sparks and I could actually taste the lactic acid burning my throat.  Plus...I really wanted a sandwich.  

******************************

Gonna be a long 60 days, folks…