Sunday, August 28, 2011

Closers Need Not Apply

I swore I would never succumb to the online dating game…but, alas, I found myself on not one, but two online dating sites.  Not simultaneously, mind you; that would be the equivalent of having two full-time jobs. 

"f(ing)Nonharmonious (fNON)"

My online dating career got its start on a site I like to refer to as, “f(ing)Nonharmonious.”  I figured the 600+ questions you have to answer along with the monthly fee would be enough to weed out the Suaves; I couldn’t have been more wrong. (don’t misunderstand, I met a lot of great guys on that site, too, but they wouldn’t be any fun to write about)

Listed below are some of the sections one would think pretty effortless to answer if you’re genuinely looking for someone to share your life with.  But I’m here to tell you, common sense and "normal," are elusive beasts in the online dating game.

For example:

********************
Section 1
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I’M LOOKING FOR IN A PERSON
********************
  • Acceptable –  I'm not looking for one specific quality in a man; I think it's the blending of his qualities with mine that will either work or it won't. Some I appreciate, however, are loyalty, honesty, genuineness and a sense of humor.
  • Not Acceptable -  I like ‘em big, I like ‘em small – don’t care if they’re real or just real nice, I like ‘em all! 
The answer is yes; this gem was an actual response.

Vomit 

********************
Section 2
PHOTOS
********************
Oh, how I would love to post some actual “don’ts” under this section, but being sued for infringement of privacy rights by a Suave would be the ultimate “fail.”  Therefore, I will do my best to illustrate through words what I deem acceptable and what is not in an online dating photo.

Acceptable:
1.       Head shot
2.       Full body shot
3.       Pictures of you and friends hanging out and having a good time
4.       Picture of you being active
5.       Any picture where you’re smiling
  
Not Acceptable:
1.       Any picture that resembles a mug shot
2.       Any photo from your wedding with a black circle blocking your ex's face
3.       Two words: Nose Check
4.       A self portrait in the bathroom mirror.  I don’t care that you are wearin’ that wife beater and your mullet has never been longer.  Ask your brother Darrell or your other brother Darrell to take the picture for you, chief.
5.       If you MUST take that self portrait/bathroom shot, at least remove the lotion from the back of the toilet behind you, as that leads me to believe it's there for just one reason.  Yes, THAT…(sorry, mom) 
  
********************
Section 3
THE MOST INFLUENTIAL PERSON IN MY LIFE HAS BEEN
********************
  • Acceptable – My daughter. She has changed my life in every way, giving it much greater purpose and meaning.  She’s taught me patience and unconditional love.  I love seeing the world through her young eyes.
  • Not Acceptable - Chad
Seriously, people.  A skosh of effort is all I'm asking for, here.  And, yes, another actual response.


"Plenty of D-Bags (POD)"
 
Once I realized that the laborious question-answering and hit to the pocketbook weren't Suave deterrents, I ventured onto another popular site you may have heard of called “Plenty of D-Bags.” (POD)  Okay, that's what I call it, but that doesn't make my title any less accurate.  This site is a fantastic demonstration in the practice of  “spray and pray”; just send a message to every girl on the site and pray someone responds.

POD offers photo posting and an "About Me" section, and my rules as to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable still apply on this site.  However, by the time I resigned to sign up for POD, I was so disenchanted by the whole online dating experience that when I wrote my profile, this is the extent of the effort I put forth:
  • Headline - Looking For Someone Who Doesn’t Bore Me
  • About Me - I'm looking for someone to complement my life, not complete it.  I do fine by myself; I have a lot of great friends, my own interests and I can handle my own, but I would love to have someone to share the rest of it with.  
Let me tell you what I learned.  Not only did I get approached way more on POD with my “finger in the air” attitude, than I did on fNON.  But most of the guys on fNON were on POD, too!   
  • Positive - POD is free and I didn't lose 6 hours of my life answering questions no one cares about
  • Negative - Every time I'm on POD, I feel the need to disinfect my entire body...blech
Sidebar - this could be due to the fact that not only do a majority of guys on that site say something completely inappropriate in under 3 message exchanges, but one of my best guy friends is also on POD and packed a bag for his first date with a POD girl.  I said,  "You're packing a bag for a first date!?"  His response was, "I'm a closer, Karen." (Man, I love guy humor!)  To my (not so) surprise, I did not see his car in the driveway on the way to work the next morning. (she sounds lovely)
  
Takeaway from today's post; if you find yourself in the market for an online dating site, save the 4 - 6 hour mind-numbing Q&A session and approximate $720.00 associated with fNON, and go directly to POD.

Lower "f-with-it-factor," same Suave experience.  Just make sure you have lots of disinfectant on hand...


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