Long gone are the days when I could just go to a bar with some friends, spot the guy I wanted to date and reel him in with a rousing rendition of the "Electric Slide".
No, now I'm forced to go online, write a flattering "Cliffs Notes" version of my interests (does vacuuming appeal to you?) and post a picture that says, "Look no further. I'm girl-next-door meets voluptuous vixen". It's a sad, boiled down version of peacocking and if you can't capture their interest with your pictures, they're Damn! sure not going to read your profile! But I'm not here to bag on online dating - that's a post for another day.
So on this particular site, we'll call it "f(ing)Nonharmonious", you have the option to either go through all of the steps the site has in place for you, or you may jump to the finish line and just email someone through the site.
One particular suitor, "Gary", decided to skip all of the pomp and circumstance and just message me directly. I liked this. Here was a guy who was willing to say, "Saw your picture, liked what I saw, let's chat", which is exactly what his first email to me said.
My first message to him was to ask him about being an author. His profile had stated such, so it seemed like a natural topic to start with; he gets to talk about himself and I get to learn more about him. He told me that he was an author and an advocate about and for abused children. He went on to say he had been abused as a child, so he felt he had an interesting perspective on the subject . I thought this was quite admirable, of course. First to have gone through something so traumatic as a child, but then to actually do something positive with it and make a difference in the lives of others. (say it with me girls, "awwwwwwwwww!") What a great guy!
His next message to me was, "Are you a good snuggler?".
Good Lord, here we go again...keep in mind I had been through approximately 946 disappointments at this point, so I was willing to push on through with this one and see where it could take us. After all, he was cute (shallow much?) and the question wasn't completely offensive.
My response to him was, "I've never had any complaints." To which he responded, "Can I have your phone number?" I realize I probably shouldn't have given him my phone number, but I didn't want to disappoint the little fella. After all, he clearly found me irresistible and he was an advocate for abused children - how bad could he be?
The minute I gave Gary my digits, I immediately regretted it. And as I was mid-text with a friend, Gary's call came in. For those of you who don't own an iPhone, when you're in the texting "zone" and a call comes in, your finger goes to finish a text word, but instead hits either the "Answer" or "Decline" button. My finger hit the "Answer" button. (Damn! iPhone!)
Here is how our conversation went:
Karen - Hello
Gary - Hey Karen, it's Gary
Karen - (kind of chuckling) Hey Gary, how are you?
Gary - (screaming in the background) You guys stop that - play together! Sorry about that, I'm at the park with my two kids - a dad's work is never done!
Karen - You have two kids? How old?
Gary - A girl who's 9 and a boy who's 6...(more screaming and now crying)...stop your crying - we don't eat ice cream from an ice cream vendor, you're going to get salmonella. (more crying) If you don't stop your crying this instant I'm going to beat you so bad the cops will be called!
Now let me interrupt this fascinating story for a little sidebar - A) I'm pretty sure giving your child a salmonella scare isn't the best argument as to why your 6 year old can't have ice cream (why, yes, Father is so wise, let's forego that tasty ice cream treat for fear of contracting a food-borne illness) and B) What was his profession again? Child abuse something or other?
Okay, back to our conversation:
Karen - You sound a little busy, I'm going to let you go.
Gary - No, they finally left me alone. Look, I want to tell you something. I've been with a lot of women (swoon!) so I know exactly what I'm looking for. Imagine my surprise when I get online this morning and see this beautiful blonde (that's me!) and I think to myself, "Well, she's beautiful, but does she have brains?" So I read your profile and everything is spelled correctly and I think, "Good for her!" Then I think to myself, "Well, she has brains and she's beautiful, (he's still talking about me!) but does she have a sense of humor?" And what were you doing when you answered the phone, Karen?" (I wasn't prepared for a test)
Karen - ummmmm....
Gary - You were laughing! And good for you! (he seemed so proud of me!) So you've got the looks, the brains, and a great sense of humor. Now all I have to do is see if you're as hot in person as you are in your pictures, but 3 out of 4 ain't bad!
And that, my friends, was the end of Gary...