Friday, August 12, 2011

You Watched Me Apply My What?

Typically, I know better...but this ONE time I accepted a setup from a friend. (okay, it's happened 3 times, but I digress.)  This particular guy, however, (we'll call him Ben) was 8 years my junior and had two young children.  So I thought, "normal guy, well adjusted, friend of a friend, loves kids...".  Why not?

We started off texting, (because that's how all deep and meaningful relationships start) and then we graduated to the elusive phone conversation.  I'm not gonna lie, I fell in love with his voice; it was that low, smooth tone and he had a really great laugh.  For whatever reason, I pictured him with a baseball cap on backward (maybe because I think that's ridiculously hot on a guy), and that just made me want to meet him more.

Now at this point I had seen a picture of Ben, but it was kind of like one of those "illusion" pictures.  If I looked at it one way, he looked really cute.  If I looked at it another way, however, he just looked sort of "meh".  Anyway, I held onto the "really cute" version of Ben while we spoke on the phone.

Sidebar - Before you start hating on me for being shallow, you have to understand that I know nothing about this guy other than he's a single dad of two and has a really great voice.  So looks kinda matter.  And, yeah,  I am that shallow... 

After about three days of texting and talking, I'm ready to be asked out or cut bait.  Ben must have sensed this, because as I was about to bid him adieu, he asked me out to lunch. And this, my friends, is when the magic happened...

Our lunch was scheduled for 12 noon, so you can imagine my surprise when Ben texted me at 11:15 saying that he'd already arrived at the restaurant.  I asked why he was so early and he said he was very excited to see me and that punctuality was very important to him.  Two things happened simultaneously at this point:  1) I had the fear of God in me that I was going to be late (I felt he was warning me.)  2) I was a little taken aback that he was THAT excited to see me.  To be honest, I was kind of dreading the date not wanting to ruin the "backward baseball cap" version of Ben I had dreamed up in my head.

Nevertheless, I pressed on and met Ben at the restaurant. (I arrived at 11:55, if you're concerned for my safety)  Ben was actually cute. (not as cute as I had imagined in my head, but cute)  We had a nice meal and a nice conversation and I thought to myself, "Wow, I've been on a million dead-end dates, but I can actually say that I'd agree to another date with this guy".

As we're waiting for the check, I pulled out my lip gloss and applied it at the table.  I know that's not the greatest move, but I wasn't checking myself out in the mirror or anything.  I just wanted soft lips in case he closed in for a kiss. (doing my due diligence, people!)  And just as I put my lip gloss back in my purse, Ben says, "You know, I've noticed your feet through the entire meal and they're amazing.  May I touch them?"

I'm sorry, come again?

You say you want to touch my feet in a restaurant, at the table, on a first date, in the absence of alcohol?  At this point my mind is reeling and I'm trying to think of a graceful way to recover for him because I don't go on second dates; I always find a reason not to go.  THIS guy actually had a chance and I had to save him.  But I had nothing...there was no coming back from that.
I politely told him that was the weirdest request I'd had on a date and that no, no he may not touch my feet.

When I got back to the office after lunch I received a text from him that simply read, "I watched you apply your gloss."   

Eeeeewwwwwww!  Does it "...put the lotion on its skin," too?

And that was the end of Ben...


1 comment: