Friday, February 22, 2013

I Should've Paid More Attention in School

Puberty.  Is there a lesser degree of preparedness than "not at all"?  Because that's me.  Raising my son hasn't always been easy.  But I have a pretty easy kid.  For those of you who don't know, he's 12.  Twelve seems to be the magic number where testosterone pushes its way to the front of the line, desperate to disprove its dormant, wallflower status.  Noticeable physical changes haven't started taking place yet, but we've enjoyed some behavioral changes in these last few months; some expected, some borderline shocking.

One example of the expected is my son's skilled execution of the heavy sigh and exaggerated eye roll.  The only thing that will make this better is when the word, "whatever," hits the rotation.  Good times ahead.

He's also developed a new-found disdain for school.  I don't think he really dislikes school, I think he's just feeding off of his friend's hatred for it.  But even if he did, he comes by it honestly.  I proudly held the title for "most 'sick' days in the history of any school, anywhere" back in 1982.

Sidebar - I was also voted most likely to own a shop called "Barely There" by my high school choir teacher, Mrs. Peebles - but that's a different set of issues altogether.

My son told me that not only does he detest school, he doesn't see the benefit in going at all.  Here was our conversation:

Ryan - Mom, school is so boring.  It's pointless.  When am I ever going to work with negative exponents?

God help me, but I didn't even understand the question.

Ryan - I hate school.  I'm think I'm gonna quit.

Me - Okay, you'll have to get a job, then.  Not sure what you'll be able to do without a high school diploma, let alone at your age.

Ryan - I could sell games at GameStop or be a greeter at Wal-Mart.

I know I should've said no.  But I do like a man with a plan.  Plus, I'm really looking forward to the extra income.

Another fun issue we're dealing with isn't so much shocking, as it is, Really?  This is what we're doing now?  He has recently started dry-humping - or, more accurately - air-humping.  This humping is totally unnecessary and utterly gratuitous.  It's humping for the sake of humping.  I believe it started off as an innocent dance move.  He'd just be dancing around the house, and then BAM! - once, maybe twice a week.  I thought it was just a phase.  Then, gradually, the moves were happening more and more frequently.  Soon it was every day, then multiple times a day, and now, the very uncomfortable, rapid succession.

A couple of weeks ago I posted on Facebook that I watched my son dry-hump his way to the bus stop.  Is this really the best use of the pelvic thrust?  And every night after dinner, when I ask him to jump in the shower and get ready for bed, he looks at me and says -  in staccato - "O. K.," and thrusts with each syllable.

How lovely...dinner and a show.  

Since I didn't have younger brothers growing up, I don't even know what "this" is.  Can I expect more of this thrusting?  Is he doing it at school?  Is there a support group I should know about?
  
Look, I'm not naive.  I know what I'm dealing with is nothing compared to what lies ahead.  And if there's any truth to, "Payin' for your raisin'," well, let's just say that I probably ought to just trade him in for a kitten now and stay ahead of the game.  I put my parents through hell.  Hell, I tell ya.  So Ryan, if you think that you're going to put one over on me, you've got another thing coming.  I have done it all, little man.  I will always be one step ahead of you.  I have 30 years on you, I am wiser than you and I will always, ALWAYS outsmart you.

....as long as it doesn't involve negative exponents or math of any kind.
 

14 comments:

  1. I nearly spit out my very loved Dr. Pepper.. Dry humping!! OMG.. I have a 3 year old boy who plays with his weenie more than his boogers. Is this what I have to look forward to?

    "How lovely...dinner and a show." LMAO!!!!!
    Awesome post!!

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    1. Oh, Ellen, I'm afraid it is. I had no idea, either - so this is my PSA to you with younger boys. Seriously, they love their penises, don't they? I'll send you some new Dr. Pepper :)

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  2. Say it ain't so. My 8 year old is just a little more comfortable with his boy-bits in their nakedness than I care to admit. I don't know that I can handle air humping, too.

    As far as the smart mouth "whatever" - I guess girls are ahead of boys in that department. My 11 year old seems to have that one down.

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    1. I always said that God knew what he was doing giving me a boy. All my friends have girls and their hormones start so early. But, maybe, I was wrong? The penis wields some power. And don't you worry, that "whatever" is RIGHT around the corner - I can feel it!

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  3. Is all of your hand lotion missing yet? Don't look under his bed. DON'T. LOOK. What's been seen cannot be unseen.... Enjoyed your blog post and looking forward to reading more.

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    1. I haven't done an inventory on my hand lotion, but I did look under the bed...there was a Glamour magazine. Do you think he just could've been brushing up on the latest Spring fashion?

      Thank you, Dyanne! I hopped over to your blog, too. I love your variety - jealous of your snow day!

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  4. It's been a long time since our son was twelve but I can still recall that this was the time he stopped being an adorable Hummel and became a moody teenager. I found you through Bad Word Mama. I'm your newest member and I look forward to reading more of your posts and getting to know you better. I hope you'll visit me at Chubby Chatterbox sometime. Take care.

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    1. Dangit! So it's confirmed by almost everyone...my sweet days are over?? I'm so glad you found me, Stephen - I hopped over to your blog. You're a great writer; one with chops AND cred! I'll read more while I'm at work today ;) Thanks for the follow - heading over to follow back!

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  5. Oh Lordie. I should just find a large rock and hide under it until my children each turn thirty, huh? I have a four year old and because his father hasn't matured much past adolesence I know I'm in for a real treat. My son is quite mesmerized by his wiener and unfortunately my husband only encourages it. This would be funny but I worry that he'll "entertain" his teachers with it in kintergarden. Ugh. Do you think the naughty spot technique is still appropriate at twelve? Ha!

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    1. Hide - run and hide... They're all mesmerized by their wieners. What IS that? The Naughty Spot Technique would just give them more time to play with themselves. I'm thinking hard labor ;)

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  6. Air humps? Gah! Wait until he hits 14. I SWEAR that's when the Pod People take over a teenager's body. Mine hated school so much he skipped it one day and hopped on a bus bound for Orlando with nothing but a Nerf gun and pocket change.
    Thanks for the kind words you left at my site---I enjoy your blog posts too because you're friggin' hilarious, woman! <3

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    1. A Nerf gun and pocket change? You've just described MY son, only he'd be humping. I am not looking forward to 14 - hell, I'm not looking forward to 12 1/2. And you're most welcome - right back atcha!

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  7. LMAO! When my now 21 year old turned 12, his head started spinning and green goo oozed out of his face. I thought him going off to join the National Guard at 17 would cure him of his demons, but they just added muscle and the ability to kill cardboard cut outs of badguys to the mix. I'm hoping when he turns 25, he'll snap out of this 'phase.' Or I'll have to put him up for adoption.

    "Free to any home; good, bad or indifferent doesn't matter. One slightly used male child complete with tractor trailer to haul his attitude around with. Gone one weekend a month for your peace and quit. Does not require special diet; will eat is own weight in anything that doesn't move (ok, maybe some things that DO move). Can be seen working at the local fast food restaurant because he's too cool for higher education. If you look at him, he's yours!"

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    1. I guess I better get stared writing my ad, huh? On the bright side, it sounds like I only have 13 or so years until I'm cool again, yes? Thanks so much for reading, Terrye! I'm going to go scout you out - come back again!

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