Tuesday, August 16, 2011

An Exceptional Blonde; I'm Talking About My Beer

The morning started out like most others; I rolled out of bed at 5 am, made my cup of coffee (4 heaps of creamer and 4 heaps of sugar...don't judge) and headed back to my office to peruse the fresh crop of men that "f(ing)Nonharmonious" and their "29 Dimensions of Compatibility" deemed matchy-matchy for me. 

Now, as shallow as I know I can be, I actually DO read the entire profile before deciding to "close" someone out for shooting a gang sign in his profile picture.  This particular morning, however, I had three (yes, THREE) keepers! A pilot, an attorney and a secret service agent.  I was particularly drawn to the secret service guy, "Darren", and to my delight he contacted me almost immediately. (yay me!)

Darren was like the majority on this site and took us through "Guided Communication"; a 4 stage Q&A process to get to know one another.  After flying through the steps, we exchanged numbers.  We had great phone chemistry and it didn't take long for him to ask me out to a happy hour.

Sidebar - I'm not sure what it is with 90% (and I'm not exaggerating, here) of the guys I meet for happy hour, but they all choose BJ's Brewhouse.  And, naturally, each has a HILARIOUS parallel they feel the need to explain to me. (Oh, you crazy boys.  Your fascination with your penises is absolutely precious)

At any rate, the day of the date was soon upon us.  We both arrived at the hilariously named BJ's and proceeded into the bar area to snag a table.  As the server approached she put down two menus, which Darren quickly handed back to her.  He told her we wouldn't be needing menus and ordered himself a large draft beer.  When the server asked me what I would like, Darren quickly interjected with, "She will have the same as me and keep 'em coming".

Now friends, I can scarcely think of a time when something good DIDN'T happen after drinking big ass beers on an empty stomach.  

This is how the date progressed:

Karen - Did you do anything fun for the Super Bowl?

Darren - Yeah, I went to a party at my neighbor's house.  I got a call from him the next morning telling me that I owed his wife an apology.  (laughing) I was so hammered, I didn't even know what I'd done wrong. (OMG that IS a knee slapper!)

Karen - My son and I just watched at home.  I didn't owe anyone an apology the next day. (now THAT was funny!)

Darren - (taking a huge swig of beer) So tell me how you wound up in Texas?

Did he really just ask me an open-ended question, showing genuine interest in me?  Maybe he wasn’t such a “Suave” after all.

Karen Well, I grew up in......

And I continued to regale him with a lovely anecdote of a girl who grew up in Missouri and found her way down to Texas.  Truly, my choice of prose was flawless. I, myself, couldn’t wait to hear what I was going to say next.

But let me tell you that I could have said, “Hey Big Daddy, how about hitting the closest hotel and I let you treat my body like an amusement park?”  because he didn’t hear a word of it.  He was too busy straining his neck, turning around, looking high and low for something.  For what?  I had no idea...until it was too late. 

Darren - (screaming across the bar at our poor server) "Hey! I told you to keep 'em coming and I'm sitting here looking at an empty glass!"


Sweet Lord, please tell me I'm being Punk'd! 

This is when one realizes that "f(ing)Nonharmonious's" 29 Dimensions of Compatibility just might not be enough dimensions.

And that was the end of Darren...