Wednesday, February 13, 2013

"Panic" Was Spot-On

Remember how I was talking about Pinterest getting the best of me – suggesting that my life needed a facelift of sorts? Remember the other post about not having any self-control, which is why I have 3 dogs instead of, well, none?  Remember the other post where I jumped up and down naked, awestruck by my fat’s blatant disregard for solidity?

Life facelift, no self-control, fat that’s taken on a life of its own = drastic measures.  Drastic Measures = Insanity.  Yes, that one.   P90X’s answer to, “Let’s see if we can actually kill some people.”  In a weak moment in the nocturnal suspension of reality (read, watching infomercials at 2am), I succumbed to the hype.

The ripped, unpaid spokesperson was staring deep into my insomnia-laden eyes, promising me the body from my 20’s if I'd just do the work.  Sixty days - a year’s worth of results in just 60 days.  That doesn't look so hard, I thought to myself as I lie all sloth-like on the couch.  The only muscles I used during the hour and a half infomercial were those that aided in scraping the bottom of my Ben and Jerry’s container.  But yeah, I'm all over this. 

The real kicker, though?  The part that got me to hop online and order the program?  The t-shirt.  That’s right – a t-shirt with the word, “Insanity” chiseled across the front.  You see, you can’t just go buy this shirt.  You have to earn it by completing the program.  Lesson #1 - Don’t threaten me with a challenge.  I will cut off my nose to spite my face and pay you a handsome sum to prove you wrong.

The next morning, however, I immediately regreted my decision.  Buyer's remorse?  Or panic – it felt more like panic. 

Panic because the Insanity workout is aptly named and I'm known around these parts for biting off a smidge more than I can chew (3 dogs, anyone?).  But also panic because of this highly coveted t-shirt.  This $149.00 t-shirt.  To earn the shirt, you have to take before and after pictures and send them in to the Insanity people.  I guess then they determine whether or not you actually did the program based on your results, and then send you a shirt if you look good enough.  Before pictures?  Someone has to see my "before"?  My boyfriend has to see my "before"?

People, I do my best to protect my younger boyfriend from things he just shouldn't see; dim lighting, lots of covers and swift movements to make me blurry - all in my bag of tricks.  But in order to have before pictures, you have to show the "before."  The un-pretty, un-taut, un-sucked in, unbelievably gross parts - just hanging there, being all before-like. 

While I've blocked most of the traumatizing photo-shoot from my memory, I do remember apologizing - a lot.  I'm considering a small offering of a car.

Well, the box finally arrived Monday and there was nothing left to do but the doin’!  I hung the Insanity progress poster on my bedroom wall, grabbed a large bottle of water, gave myself one last pep-talk, and popped in the DVD. 

I was exactly 11 seconds of high knees in when I checked the screen timer to see when this fresh hell would be over…my breathing was erratic, my heart monitor was smoking and shooting sparks and I could actually taste the lactic acid burning my throat.  Plus...I really wanted a sandwich.  


Gonna be a long 60 days, folks… 


  1. Ok you need to know that although I'm cracking UP, m not laughing AT you. "Free" t-shirts are super hard to pass up so I can almost understand why you are doing this. My pep talk goes: you can do it! (but if you come to your senses there's always the cupcake option).

    1. Yeah, and I just saw something that said, "limited edition" on that t-shirt - I will be PISSED if I did this all for nothing! ;) Thanks for the pep talk girly - saw you did a little climbing on the Circle of Moms ladder! Woot Woot!

  2. LMAO!!! seriously.. you sound like me. I would love a shirt that says "Insanity" though! New follower here.. found you on a blog hop!
    Visit me sometime!

    1. I'm gonna get that shirt if it kills me! It's never the obvious benefit that spurs me to do things...always something ridiculously stupid. Thanks for reading!

  3. You crack me up. I thought for sure you were going to say that by 8:01 EST you were on the horn with the credit card company blocking all charges. Clearly, I didn't realize who I was dealing with here! Go get 'em tiger! I say his as I have yet to attend a single Zumba class. I'm thinking I might have better luck with a video. Know where I can get me a shirt with "Zumba Insanity" on it?

    1. I will MAKE you that shirt! Have you gotten organized yet? I told you once you do that, you can have 142 New Year's Resolutions. (but first you need to teach the rest of us how to get more organized)